Hello Bloggers! Have you heard about the Miami Zombie? Sometime over the Memorial day week-end a naked man was shot after a witness found him eating another mans face (the other guy is still alive) . Get this, though, the cops had to shoot him SIX times before he finally died. And apparently he growled. You know what this sounds like, right? (a drug induced frenzy?) No silly, ZOMBIES!
So what if that guy isn’t an isolated incident? What if there’s a Zombie Apocalypse? No need to worry, you can pick up this handy guide:
Don’t have time to read? Well lucky for you I’m trained in the art of zombie killing, so I’ll give you some tips.
1. Work out: If we’re lucky, the zombies will be slow and easy to shoot, but if they’re like the ones from Resident Evil or I Am Legend, then we’d have to be able to outrun them. Now’s a good time to dust off that gym membership and get your cardio up. Remember, if they cant catch you, they can’t eat you.
2. Weapons Use: Never shot a gun before? Well, my friend, that’s not gonna fly. You need to learn how to shoot. And not just how so shoot, you need to know how to aim. Wasting bullets and nicking the zombie in the arm aren’t gonna help. Also you’d die. So head to the nearest shooting range and drop a stack on some bullets. Practice Practice Practice. Also, get trained in melee weapons. Sometimes you won’t have a gun, and the zombie still needs to die.
3. Survival Techniques: More than likely, if the zombie apocalypse happens power and water will shut down. No refrigeration, no heat, and even more scary, NO WI-FI! So how do you manage in this situation? Mere week-end camping techniques won’t be enough. You need to learn how to hunt, how to make a fire without a lighter, and how to send out signals for help. I suggest watching this:
Trust me on this one.
4. Stay Mobile: If you don’t know how to drive. Learn. Cars are great for A. killing the crap outta zombies, and B. Getting you the heck outta dodge. Also, staying in one place too long is gonna make you a target. Seek out flat areas with great visibility, preferably one where you’re high up. The farther you can see, the better. Also being mobile increases your chance for finding help.
5. Stay Calm: Above all else, stay calm. Freaking out and making a lot of noise will only get you eaten. Cooler heads kick more ass. Look at Batman, Chuck Norris and Bruce Willis. Okay maybe not Bruce, but you get the point.
So there it is. Remember these aren’t concrete rules, improv is always welcome. Now go out there and start training. And keep an eye on the news… remember that man whose face was eaten is still alive. If he starts to show signs, it’s on.
- Zombie apocalypse becomes reality in Miami (sgtreport.com)
- Real Zombie attack in Miami? (markosun.wordpress.com)
- Zombie Apocalypse. Will You Be Prepared? (tor.com)
- Zombie apocalypse. Because you can never be too prepared for it. (redheadcarol.wordpress.com)
- Start Of The Zombie Apocalypse Caught On Tape (zerohedge.com)